Scott Charles Adams' Blog

Archive for August, 2017

A Prayer for Alex Jones

by on Aug.27, 2017, under Uncategorized

Dear God,

Please kill Alex Jones. It doesn’t have to be ass cancer like Fred Phelps. (Thanks for that, by the way!) A regular old heart attack would do nicely. But, you know, feel free to be creative if you like. I’m not here to question Your Mysterious Ways. I just know you’re busy crafting Trump’s final days after my last prayer to You, and I don’t want this to get in the way of that.

I’m confident there’s a fatty deposit lodged in those arteries, just waiting for a little nudge. I’m not asking for a lightening strike or some bizarre accident involving anal penetration. Just a little nudge. Surely you can make time for a little nudge.

In Jesus’ name we pray.

Amen

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Hello, World!

by on Aug.13, 2017, under Uncategorized

That is, Hello Again, World.

I originally started this blog in 1998. Back in those days, we didn’t call it a blog. We called it the Self-Indulgent Typing of Funny Shit Because We’re Drunk And Bored And World of Warcraft Hasn’t Been Invented Yet. I worked pretty hard to get that blog just so and get all the links to change color when you covered them with your mouse. But it was pretty ugly even by 1998 standards and the years weren’t kind to it.

So … this.

Honestly, I don’t know what this is yet. The old Self-Indulgent Typing of Funny Shit etc. was anything funny I could think of. Sometimes it was political. Sometimes it was about Star Wars. Once, I wrote a script for a fictional phone call to the president of Doritos, where I was trying to find out if the occasional Black Dorito was actually a bit of the elusive dark matter. I wrote one piece where I talked about paying a prostitute for sex, and lost my nerve and got a very expensive back rub. It was funny stuff. We laughed and laughed.

So what do I write about now?

Well … let’s see here … in the past seven days, Trump has taunted Kim-Jong Un into threatening to fire missiles near Guam, and Trump-inspired Nazis have killed an anti-protester in Charlottesville, VA. Between Nazis and the Apocalypse, I’m not sure there are any other current events. Did any celebrities say or do anything stupid? Probably — but it almost definitely involved either Nazis or the Apocalypse. Have any ordinary citizens done anything hypocritical enough to fill an entire article? Maybe — but it was likely related to Nazis. Or possibly the Apocalypse. Could go either way. But probably Nazis.

I could also write about global warming. Wait, we’re not calling it that anymore. I think we’re calling it climate change. Climate change is bad. And it’s real. And we don’t like it. But honestly, it’s kinda gotta take a back seat to the Apocalypse, doesn’t it? I’m not checking CNN every morning to see if Guam is under water yet. I’m checking CNN every morning to see if lil’ Kimmie has wiped Guam from the map.

So it appears I’m talking about Trump.

In the year before the historic election of 2017, I talked a lot about Trump. I repeatedly said that Trump didn’t know the job, didn’t understand how hard it would be, and wouldn’t be able to get anything done. I said that even if he could get something done, he’d do the wrong thing because he lacks a basic grasp of Right and Wrong. I said the Nazis would be emboldened by his victory and that we’d see a resurgence in their stupidity. And I said that the bullying that worked so well for him in the corporate world would not work in the political one, and we’d all likely die in nuclear fire.

Apparently, I either have the ability to predict the future or I’m shaping reality with the power of my mind and you’re all basically part of my dream.

If it’s the latter, I promise never to eat spicy food again.

Because damn.

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