The Truth about Wireless Internet 12/12/99

First -- before I do that -- I'll address two of the letters I got on that last Truth.

<Dear Mr. Steele >

Ok. I can't stop myself here.

I read The Truth about The House of Ill Repute. I even read it a couple of times.

"I'm not sure why I didn't nail her like a roofing tack. I'm fairly sure that it wasn't morals." - Mr. Steele

Ha!! I feel like I caught you at something! You can't be sure can you!? You might have morals! (you might even be afraid of "catching" something but I won't go into that) You know what I think? I think you do have morals and don't want to admit it!

"I cannot with confidence -- however -- say that the 3 x 5 two-way mirror on the wall next to her bed didn't factor in. Heavily. For -- although I love you dearly Gentle Reader -- I have no intention of allowing you to watch a QuickTime movie featuring Mr. Steele boffing a working girl." -again Mr.Steele

Oh really? Oh reeaaaaaally?

"I am an egomaniac" -who? Mr.Steele

So my question is Mr."No-Blink" Steele which is it? Are you a man with morals who would rather pretend he doesn't have them or are you....um....I can't think of a second part to this question. But it has something to do with me thinking that IF you really were an egomaniac you would want me to be able to watch you boff and/or fuckie a working girl or any girl for that matter! I in fact think that an egomaniac would LOVE to show his fuckie-style (man...I'm ever so glad we are off AOL. I just love saying fuckie over and over for all the world to see!)!

Hmmm? 'Splain this to me please?

Gleefully, Jolie

I have to admit ... I enjoyed using 'fuckie' as well.

You're absolutely right. I'm not an ego-maniac at all. And that whole 'morals' thing ... that was just a bit. I have great morals. Very high morals. And not an ego-maniac. I'm Mr. Ethics and I'm quite humble.

Does this mean I can get you to suck on my beautiful cock?

Scott

I think "The Truth about The House of Ill Repute 11/18/99" was one of your more interesting pieces. I was on the edge of my seat until the very end. You need to do more scarey and ultimately humiliating things. It's great reading.

- Carolyn

There are only two things I don't like about doing scary and humiliating things:

(1) They're scary.

(2) They're humiliating.

That being said I guess it's time to move onto the next Truth.

Many of you are already aware that I have a new computer ... the iBook. I bought an AirPort and AirPort Card with it but I didn't get that until just last week. This was really the critical part of the new machine ... I was very enthusiastic about the entire wireless-internet thing.

It's my guess that most of you don't know what an iBook is, let alone an AirPort. I'll explain for the uninitiated. The iBook is the laptop version of the iMac. It's not a bad little machine, even though it's the faggiest shade of blue I've ever seen, and it's difficult to look manly typing on one in a tittie bar.

The AirPort is a wireless modem and the AirPort Card is the card you put into the iBook to communicate with the AirPort without wires. Wireless internet ... I know ... we're blazing into the third millenium now, aren't we?

It's incredible.

I've always recommended Macs to people as a first computer because they're so much easier. At least, they used to be. Those days are apparently over, Gentle Reader. Lemme clue you in on my little adventure with 71 Easy Steps to Wireless Internet.

Here goes.

(1) Wait until a brand new machine is about to come out ... this way you'll be 'State of the Art' for just a tad longer.

(2) Get word that 'dream machine' is being released.

(3) Put deposit on 'dream machine.'

(4) Wait.

(5) Show up at the computer store on the planned release date.

(6) Learn the hard way that your computer is being built at the same place they just had a huge earthquake.

(7) Leave disappointed and empty handed.

(8) Wait.

(9) Check the store again.

(10) Leave disappointed and empty handed.

(11) Wait.

(12) Check the store again -- hungover if possible.

(13) Have someone tell you that the 'dream machine' is in, but that the magical and wonderful 'AirPort & AirPort Card' haven't arrived yet.

(14) Wait 45 minutes for teenager to figure out how to apply a deposit to a purchase.

(15) Be told on the way out of the store by a clerk that they've had the machine for four days but never called.

(16) Glare at the clerk in question. Hurt him only if you have no priors.

(17) Take machine home.

(18) Wait.

(19) Check with store on AirPort & Card. (If you hurt a clerk in Step 15, wear a disguise. A simple Groucho Glasses & Mustache should do it -- these people ain't sharp.)

(20) Leave empty handed and disappointed.

(21) Wait.

(22) Check with store on Airport & Card.

(23) Leavy empty handed and disappointed.

(24) Check with store on AirPort & Card by telephone.

(25) Leave work early to get AirPort & Card.

(26) Wait another thirty minutes for cum-on-the-brains clerk.

(27) Take card home.

(28) Install Card as per the easy step-by-step included with your 'dream machine.'

(29) Run the 'AirPort Set-up Assistant ' as per the easy step-by-step instructions.

(30) Sign-up with new Internet Service Provider as AOL is considered 'exotic' and will not work with the AirPort.

(31) Come to the realization that you can't sign onto anything anymore because the Set-up Assistant has changed all of your computers settings and the regular modem will no longer work.

(32) Change all the settings back (all the ones you can find anyway).

(33) Sign-on with old Internet Service Provider (AOL) via the built-in modem to check Earthlink's home-page in hopes of finding a local access number.

(34) Trouble-shoot the browser which won't show you any pages anywhere for any reason.

(35) Trouble-shoot the AOL software in case that's the problem.

(36) Reinstall the AOL software.

(37) Run the new version of AOL obtaining all the improper settings from the old version of AOL already on your hard drive.

(38) Sign-on with AOL again.

(39) Fail to browse.

(40) Trouble-shoot the Ethernet connection between your old machine and your new machine in an effort to get the original internet settings for AOL from that version.

(41) Grasp the nearest warm-blooded creature firmly around the neck until you hear the oh-so-satisfying death-rattle.

(42) Dispose of corpse inconspicuously. (Don't forget your lime!)

(43) Contrive story/alibi as appropriate to species of warm-blooded creature.

(44) Reinstall AOL software again.

(45) Run new version of AOL using settings from old version of AOL from old machine.

(46) Sign-on to AOL.

(47) Scream obscenities as browser fails to work yet-again.

(48) Dig-up warm-blooded mammal and hit it with a stick until species is no longer visually discernable.

(49) Remove blood from hands, face, and clothing. (Remember, protein gets out protein!).

(50) Reinstall system.

(51) Successfully browse using built-in modem (not -- repeat not -- the wireless modem which was your original goal).

(52) Successfully discover that Earthlink does have an access number that is local to you. (If applicable.)

(53) Agree to give Earthlink money every month for ever and ever.

(54) Unplug modem line ... you're ready to browse without wires now!

(55) Attempt to browse wirelessly and fail to sign-on entirely.

(56) By now it should be 4:30 AM or so. Go to bed -- you've had a busy day!

(57) Call Apple the next morning.

(58) Be as patient and polite as possible with the Apple-ite.

(59) Perform all steps as instructed.

(60) Call Earthlink.

(61) Be as patient and polite as possible with the Earthlinker.

(62) Perform all steps as instructed.

(63) Fail ... fucking ... to ... fucking ... sign-on ... fucking ... yet ... fucking ... again. Fucking.

(64) Go to work an hour late. Make up some excuse -- the truth will not suffice.

(65) More out of morbid curiosity than from any actual belief that this will ever work, check the settings you were instructed to change as per the Apple-ite and the Earthlinker to see if they took.

(66) Change settings again on Differently Thinking machine, which apparently decided on its own that you were 'just kidding' about those changes the first time around.

(67) Sign-on and browse sucessfully.

(68) Reverently dig-up mammal from step #41, gently kiss its forehead, and explain to its spirit that its death was not a pointless one.

(69) If you can still identify the location of the forehead repeat step #48.

(70) Remove blood from hands, face, and clothes.

(71) Surf internet from the toilet, which was your entire intent to begin with -- admit it.

What could be simpler?