The Truth about Shoes II 11/17/01

Good God. Has it really been over a month since my last Truth? Oof. I guess the dates don't lie, do they? I suppose I could slip something in there dated sometime in the middle of October and make it appear that I hadn't been away for that long ... but I'm sure you're all much too clever for that to work.

This is a letter I received some time ago--back in those carefree days before we started ironing the mail to keep it from killing us. Remember those days? Ah ... Good Times.

Dear Mr. Steele,

What is it with stereotyping women with having a ungodly large amount of shoes? We understand that we have to have a shoe for every occasion and even if men dont agree with our opinions , that doesnt mean they have to criticize us about our shoes.

Just for the record it's a good idea to have more than one pair of black shoes.

Signed, Jessica

I know, you're thinking I already covered the topic of shoes ... but this question isn't exactly about shoes, is it? No--it's about men criticizing women for having too many shoes.

It's a totally different topic. Just trust me.

In my extensive research, I've narrowed the reasons why men do this down to three. There may actually be more than three reasons, but three reasons came immediately to mind and three's a pretty funny number, so why squeeze a fourth out of my brain and spoil the symmetry of the joke?

1) Because we find it baffling. And, we do. Mrs. Steele has ten different pairs of shoes that go with jeans and a T-shirt, depending on what sort of 'statement' she's trying to make. I had no idea shoes could say so much. Apparently, it's a whole other language. No wonder woman always win at Taboo.

Of course, the very first sentence of that last paragraph also serves to demonstrate the differences between woman and men. 'Because we find it baffling' ... logically speaking, is that really a reason to insult? To a man it is. 'Attack what you don't understand' ... it's built into us. If history has taught us anything, it's taught us that men don't need any motivation beyond bewilderment in order to let loose a hail of bullets. You think neanderthal woman ever threw a rock at the moon? I doubt it. But to neanderthal man, I'm sure it seemed a perfectly logical thing to do.

"What's that thing in the sky?"

"I don't know ... I wonder if I could break it with this here rock."

Makes perfect sense to me.

2) We're showing off. Remember when all the sixth grade boys were snapping the bras of all the sixth grade girls? Ever wonder why we did that? Did you think it was just because we were in the sixth grade? You were wrong. In fact, we'd still do that shit if we couldn't think of any other negative things to do to get your attention. As it stands, we have plenty of other avenues to travel which lead to the same destination--and we have those avenues because when girls turn into women they start doing all sorts of crazy things that we can occupy ourselves ridiculing.

Going to the bathroom in groups, for example. Making fun of women going to the bathroom in groups will always be funny. Making fun of menstruation and PMS will always be funny. Making fun of a closet full of shoes will always be funny. And we make fun of all of the above things because it makes you look at us--and every man knows in his male brain that that look of disdain you give us actually means, "I may fuck you later."

And ladies can't trash men for this behavior, because that look you give really does mean that. I'm wearing the proof on the ring finger of my left hand.

3) We're mad at something else that we don't want to talk about. This is a really tricky one.

Men have to be tough. That means that things aren't allowed to bother us. That means that when something does bother us, we're not allowed to talk about it because that makes us less-tough. So, we don't talk about it. Instead, we rant and rave about things that don't really bother us at all.

Maybe we'll rant about dishes in the sink. That's something a tough guy would rant about. Or, the mess in the bathroom. Or, the fact that we're out of beer. All perfectly acceptable tough-guy rants. We can't rant because our female (which is, in fact, our personal property) flirted with another guy. That's not tough at all.

Instead, we bitch about the shoes in the closet.

So, ladies, the next time your man is screaming at the top of his lungs about the number of shoes in your closet, here's three simple questions to ask yourself to determine why:

1) Is it possible that the coffee carafe your man claims 'just fell off the counter' was actually cracked open with a rock because he didn't understand how it worked?

2) Is it possible that your man still has a crush on you, after all this time?

3) Is it possible that your man spotted you grabbing his brother's ass at the family reunion?

If the answer to all these questions is, 'No,' then you have no choice but to ask yourself Secret Hidden Question #4:

4) Is it possible that on a monthly basis you spend what could amount a motorcycle payment on footwear?

Although #4 seems as though it's placing the blame on the female, it's really not. It's still the man's fault, as he should have dumped your too-many-shoe-ownin'-ass months ago.