The Truth about Babies and We 10/8/00

Dear Mr. Steele;

You ever notice how when someone you know or in some cases barely know has a baby ALL you hear about for 9 agonizing months is baby, baby, baby? THEN as if that torture isn't enough, once the baby is born it becomes an endless stream of pictures or stories of every hiccup or unusual diaper accident!! Suddenly perfectly sane (or lovably insane) individuals become experts on a subject they could give a toss about last year when they were simply people....yet defined by their new station.

Same applies to marriage. All of a sudden every comment becomes a We, an ordinary human being becomes defined soley by the word We. Worse is when theres SO much We going on that individual likes, dislikes or talents get lost in the We shuffle. We are suddenly so caught up in the fact that someone out there actually does love us that we become convinced OUR We has to be the best possible We out there so everyone should think so too!! So our friends are forced to endure the curse of the almighty We. "I will no longer be Paddy, from now on when asking if I would like to go out to dinner I will answer We would love to!" "No, Paddy is no longer the wonderfully skilled musician because We are so much better as a duo!" Heh...so much for Paddy's fans....even if her husband can't perform a single note, if she's lucky they'll stay true and hold out for Paddy to return to her once glorious self as an I. They always do eventually.

Ever notice that?? Just curious.

Paddywacker

Oh! The cursed baby-thing! Mrs. Steele and I were just talking about that the other day, and We hate that! Just what exactly is the deal, there? Do these people think they are the only ones who've ever made a baby? Four billion people on the planet means that four billion couples have made babies (at least in this day and age -- although soon we'll be growing the little pink things in jars). Jar Babies. Heh-heh. I think I read that in a sci-fi novel somewhere, used as an insult. "You Jar Baby!" It'll happen, and it'll happen in our lifetimes, see-if-it-doesn't.

And that other thing -- about married couples? -- We've noticed that too, and it pisses Us off. We've seen married couples time-and-time again think that they're the only married couple that's ever been, as though they discovered True Love, and no one's ever felt it before.

We hate that.

Oh-oh-oh ... and the Talent Gap between couples ... boy, do We hate that more than anything else. Like Paul and Linda McCartney -- we all pretty much knew that wasn't going to last, didn't we? I mean, if that had been True Love, I think Linda could have held out a little bit longer, don't you? And that other Beatle -- Lennon -- he bailed on his wife, too. Are we to believe that one stinkin' bullet could have killed True Love? No way -- he was looking to get away from Yoko, was all.

That's what We think, anyway.

And then there's Stephen and Tabitha King ... did you know she pulled Carrie out of the garbage, when Stephen didn't think it was any good? The balls on that broad! Just think of what that story could have been if she'd let him rewrite it! We might have had ourselves a classic in American Horror! We really would like to see the rewrite on that sucker.

Hey! Wait just a second, here!

"No, Paddy is no longer the wonderfully skilled musician because We are so much better as a duo!" Heh...so much for Paddy's fans....even if her husband can't perform a single note, if she's lucky they'll stay true and hold out for Paddy to return to her once glorious self as an I. They always do eventually.

Ever notice that?? Just curious.

Why, Paddy! You clever little bi-otch! This was about Mr. & Mrs. Steele, wasn't it? That baby-thing ... that was just to throw us off! So we wouldn't know that this was a clever little stab at our We-ness! That was very, very clever, Paddy! You're so smart! Two tits and a slit haven't hampered your intelligence in the least, have they? Certainly not!

Hmm ... let's see ... where to begin ...

First of all, I'm not a Beatle and I'm not Stephen King. I'm just a typist with a good imagination. The better-looking half of We will surely punch me when she reads this because she happens to believe I'm Infallible -- but she'd better think I'm Infallible because it's part of her job description as Wife.

"Whatcha readin', Hon?"

"It's the latest Stephen King novel."

Pause. "He's not better than me, is he?"

"No, dear. Not better. Just different."

"Right answer. There'll be no beatings tonight. You may proceed with your reading."

Second of all, I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who thinks Mrs. Steele's Truths are funny. Guess ya haven't noticed lately that she gets almost half of the letters to this page since I announced the engagement, have ya? Since your boobies probably make counting past the number Two an arduous task, I'll do the math for you: Mr. Steele, 5 -- Mrs. Steele, 4. And one of those questions was something like, 'How can you honestly stand to be with Mr. Steele?' so it's fairly clear that not everyone likes me, either. Wouldn't you agree?

Oops ... see what I did there, when I typed, "Wouldn't you agree?" I asked Paddy's opinion, when clearly she has No Opinion of Merit. My bad.

So, to sum-up ... Mrs. Steele will continue to write Truths for this page. And so will I. I will also -- happily -- continue to refer to myself as a We, because that's what she and I have become. And if/when We pump out that first kid, you're going to hear about every single bowel movement, belch, scraped knee, Christmas present, bent fender, first date, and misdemeanor charge. Every ... single ... one of them.

If you don't like it, I hear that AngryMan.com is very funny.