The Truth about the Witchie Wedding 9/28/00

As some of you may already be aware, I am getting married on the first of October -- three days from the posting of this Truth, actually. I'm glad I get to be married for the coming of the Millennium (WHICH HASN'T ACTUALLY COME YET! NOT UNTIL 01/01/01! DO THE FREAKIN' MATH!), me, the Pathological Bachelor. The guy who said it would never happen, blah-blah-blah, and I think we've been over this at least once already.

What didn't come up when we were first discussing marriage was religion. About all I knew for certain was that she wasn't a church-goer -- which was fine, neither am I. I'm just about as Godless as they come. I have faith in the existence of everything within my field of vision, and even some of that can be called into question given sufficient evidence. That's the extent of my faith.

Raise your hand if you know what a 'Wiccan' is. Those of you who said, 'Why ... isn't Wicca the religion followed by witches?' get a gold star. My fiancée is a Witch. She's even cast a few spells on my behalf, and I'm still carrying two dimes in my wallet because she wanted me to. I didn't ask why or what she did to those dimes, I just agreed to do it because I love her and -- hey, how do I know for certain that there isn't something to this Wicca-thing? That's part of the definition of having no faith: if I knew for certain that there was nothing spiritual out there at all, why, then I would have faith in that, wouldn't I?

Feel free to reread that last line until it makes sense to you.

Anyway, I'm marrying a witch. And we aren't just going to write our own vows -- we're writing the entire ceremony. Therefore, it stands to reason that if I have no faith, and my fiancée is a Wiccan, we're going to have a Witchie Wedding.

I won't lie to you, Gentle Reader. I'm not exactly sure what's involved in a Witchie Wedding. Will we have a black caldroun? A little eye-of-newt? Will my grandmother be asked to hold the sacrificial bunny until the proper time? Is it going to rain frogs at any time before or after the wedding? Will the reception be Bring Your Own Broom?

I guess I'll know the answer to these questions and more in about three days. However, Mrs. Steele did say something heartening to me about the wedding ... something that left little doubt that I was doing the right thing.

"I know exactly what Skip (a friend of ours, and a minister) (Did you know that anyone can be a minister with the Universal Life Church? It doesn't even cost anything.) (Did you know that if you're a minister in the Universal Life Church, the US Coast Guard can't compel you to go to Sunday Services?) (Did you further know that you can sit around and drink with your Coast Guard friends while everyone else is attending compulsory Sunday services, as long as said friends all say that you are their minister?)

If anyone remembers what the hell I was talking about, please email me at ... oh, wait, I remember now.

Mrs. Steele said something heartening to me about our wedding. She said, "I know exactly what Skip is going to say to me, when I send him the ceremony -- he's going to say, 'I don't have to memorize this whole thing, do I?' As if ... not even Catholic priests memorize the wedding ceremonies, and the only things they have to with their time are learn lines and molest altar boys."

Molest altar boys! Hah! I may not feel any better about the sacrifical bunny, but at least I have a firm grip on why I'm marrying her.

And that bunny was eventually gonna die of something, anyway.