The Truth about Keanu 9/15/00

Dear. Mrs. Steele,

You, a woman, will clear this up for me. I will just go ahead and make it known from the start that I love Keanu Reeves. No. I mean I LOVE him, okay? I keep track of him and his band. I read news tidbits and collect pictures. I see the movies. I buy the movies. I just try to keep "aware" of him, you know? I don't try to hide this. It's just a part of life. No...I'm not a stalker. I don't have the funds to be an actual stalker. I have to content myself with being a long person. Now, if I DID have the money....but that isn't my problem today.

I got into this silly "Yes, he is!" "No, he isn't" thing with a guy at work. I was really upset to learn that most men seem to believe that Keanu Reeves is gay. Gay? Gay? What? (Not that there is anything wrong with that, right? My Seinfeld nod there...) But my husband believes this. My male coworkers believe it. Is it because he is so beautiful? Is it because he played a gay type man in "My Own Private Idaho"? Is it just a jealous self esteem issue? Would you like to see a picture of his ass? Because I can supply that.....

Confused and Not a Stalker,


p.s. If he knew me, we'd be pals. Really, the ass pic is nice. And he's smart. I can tell. Oh...I've got this pic of him in jeans, and I think he forgot to button them up all the way. You might like it. But he's smart. And not gay! He isn't. Right?

(Note: the opinions held by Mrs. Steele aren't necessarily those of the soon-to-be Mrs. Adams, who doesn't even think Keanu is cute.)

(As far as Mr. Adams knows.)

Dear Jolie,

The Truth About Keanu Reeves, huh? Well, my dear, the first thing I'd have to say is that I'm dismayed to learn that you had an argument about dear Keanu ­ and with a man. Sweetie, when are you going to learn that it's fruitless? You must learn this lesson, Dear: When given the chance, always choose to avoid having a battle of wits with an unarmed person. (Unless it's Mr. Steele, in which case there are times he's over-armed.) Mr. Steele notwithstanding, arguing with a man is a bit like trying to teach a pig to sing: It irritates the shit outta you and it frustrates the pig. Unfortunately, you already tried this singing lesson ­ but to avoid irritation in the future, don't bother arguing with a man.

Especially about Keanu.

Now, what can we say about Keanu? First: cute name. Second: cute face. Third: Cute butt - you're right, very cute butt. (um, let's not tell Iago you sent that pic to my office, okay? I keep tellin' him his is the cutest butt ever BUT - heh, get that little play on words? - he's already a little perturbed that I've devoted so much time to researching this Truth.)



Yes, very cute butt indeed (and stop asking me, 'cos I'm not trading butt pictures with you.)

Hmmm where was I?

Oh yes. Fourth: . Well, Jolie, dear, there really is no Fourth, because you see, it would follow that Fourth would be "And, damn, can that boy act." But, sadly, he can't. He just can't. I'm sorry ­ and I'm sure he is too.

Your primary thrust, however ( thrust ­ did I say thanks for that pic? Oh, I did? Good) uh ­ oh, yes the primary thrust of your question was ­ seemed to be ­ your outrage that some men are convinced that our Kute Keanu is gay. He's not. Okay? He's not. Men, witless but necessary creatures that they are, are typically threatened by cute other men (heh. even when they're pretty cute themselves) ­ they see "cute" and they think "gay". I can tell a gay butt when I see one, and honey chile, that butt ain't gay.

I hope this satisfies both your curiosity and your fears.

P.S. Can I keep the picture?

(Note from Mr. Steele: Actually, Keanu not only sucks dick, he sucks dick well. Of course, he returns phone calls for shit. Where are you, Keanu?)