The Truth about Smoke Detector Batteries 9/12/97

Dear Mr. Steele

Why is it that smoke detectors have to start chirping to let us know they're batteries are going at either 1:00AM when we're trying to get to sleep or 8:00AM when we have no intention of getting up? Is it a conspiracy? I'm beginning to think it would be better just to let the house burn. At least then I would die in my sleep.

Sincerely Twistedlyn

Whoa! The first thing I have to say to this is you have no intention of getting up at 8:00 AM? Your life is far better than mine, Twisted.

It is a well-documented fact that no smoke detector battery has ever died during daylight hours. Don't ask why because no one knows. It's one of those facets of the universe that transcends science. Did you know that they fed the dimensions and aerodynamics of a bumblebee into a computer and discovered that they can't really fly? True fact. Just don't let that secret get back to the bumblebees, because there'll be a lot fewer flowers pollinated next year if it does.

Perhaps the Big Minds who define our reality will figure out why smoke detector batteries always die at night right after they figure out how bumblebees swing the flight-thing. But I know what Einstein would say if he were asked.

"Bumblebees fly because God wants them to."

Anyway there is a simple solution to the smoke detector problem. Just follow the steps.

(1) Fill a sink full of water.

(2) Knock the smoke detector from the ceiling with a broom handle.

(3) Place smoke detector in sink full of water.

(4) Go back to sleep.

Too bad everything can't be that easy.