The Truth about Tattoos 9/10/97

I want to get something that will impress the attendents when they come to change my diaper in the nursing home.

My mother on the subject of getting a tattoo for her 50th birthday.

When I tell that quote to most, the reaction is, 'I've never met your mother, but that sounds like something that the woman who raised YOU would say.' I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.

I'm not going to talk about guys with tattoos because Guys with Tattoos goes way back and is nothing new. However Chicks with Tattoos -- being relatively new -- merits some discussion.

My sister has Winnie the Pooh tattooed on her ankle. Very cool . . . and she's a big hit at Disney Land. I'm sure the legions of children who see that tattoo change their Christmas Lists to include one -- to the chagrin of their parents. But Winnie's a good tattoo because he's timeless. Winnie won't be fading into obscurity any time soon -- the mark of a great tattoo.

I saw a guy at a Star Trek convention (no, it's not the sort of place I generally go . . . I was dating a very cute Trekkie at the time) who had Deanna Troi's face (probably spelled wrong) ('Deanna Troi' . . . not 'face') four inches across on his back. He was right ahead of me in line to get the autograph of the actress who played Troi (whatever her name is . . . and I should have remembered it too because she was sweet-sweet-sweet) (is it me or am I using a lot of parentheses?) (is that how you spell 'parentheses?') (what the hell was I talking about?)

Oh yeah. I was behind a rabid-Trekkie who had Deanna Troi tattooed on his back -- and not small either. When he showed it to her her mouth said "That's very nice " but her eyes said "I'm not getting paid enough for this gig." So when my turn came up I asked her "Doesn't that scare you a bit -- that someone has tattooed your face four inches across on his back?"

She was very diplomatic in her response: "Not really because he said he was going to get the rest of the crew as well and the ship behind them."

This I found not the least bit comforting . . . I was unnerved by the guy and it wasn't even my face on his back. But let's think about this for a moment . . . how popular is Star Trek really? Now that Gene is dead and his ashes hurled earthwards from space to disintigrate in the atmosphere, is anyone really going to continue the legend? Don't get me wrong . . . I'm sure there will be attempts. But is anyone going to continue the legend in such a manner that Star Trek will continue forever and ever?

The answer is, no. Flash Gordon was pretty cool in his day too. But will my children know the name? Nope.

My point is there are certain tattoos that are a really bad idea. Bon Jovi on Cher's butt is another good example of this. However we have a modern medical miracle which can rectify these mistakes. Thanks to a society obsessed with appearance, there are a slew of corrective cosmetics out there for all sorts of various reasons. God Bless the Laser, and all its Glory!

Tattoos don't have to be great anymore. Now they can be trendy.

I'm scheduled to get my 'Kramer' tattoo next week -- eight inches across right on my chest. Wish me luck!