The Truth about Men and the Telephone  8/18/98

Mr. Steele

Do you think men's inability to use a phone for something other than making appointments and buying football tickets is a genetic thing?

thank ya

Chatty Cathy

Now, I think Cathy is being a little hard on us men. This is -- after all -- an enlightened age, and men can use the telephone for many things besides just making appointments and buying football tickets.

Pizza, for example. When's the last time any man has seen the inside of a pizzaria? I don't have exact figures on this, but it's been a long, long time. Why? Because we have learned that if you know the right number and the address were you're sitting watching football, you can summon pizza right to the door. And beer. You can summon beer right to your door too -- but generally speaking you have to be a little cleverer about it. Call a friend, invite him over to watch football and tell him you're out of beer. If he's a good friend he'll bring enough for you too.

We can buy stuff over the telephone, too. How about a big screen TV for watching football on? It's just a phone call away. Just have your credit card number ready -- operators are standing by. And not just TVs, either. We can buy comfy chairs to sit in while we watch football OR a nice refrigerator to keep the beer that our friend bought over, cold.

Plus, once the game is over and the friends are gone, we can use the phone to order sex. (see Truth about the Midnight Callers Club) Just pick up the phone and let your fingers do the walking . . . we all have at least one ex-girlfriend who'll show up at a moment's notice.

So you see? We men have come a long way from the grunting unevolved beasts who only used the telephone to make appointments and order football tickets. We are New Man -- hear us dial.

And bring beer when you come.

And try to keep the noise down willya? The game's on.