The Truth about $  8/17/98

mr. steele

i hear that money can indeed buy happiness make me irressistible to women and allow me to bend others to my will..

is this true?

FBatStain (or the artist formerly known at Tmplr292)

Yes. Next question.

Well . . . okay . . . that's not really a fair answer. Maybe there's someone out there who doubts it. Fair enough; I'll explain my answer. Since this is really a question in three parts, I'll answer each one separately. For reason of Poetry, I'll start with the last one.

Can money allow me to bend others to my will?

Yes. My boss bends me to his deranged will everyday . . . some days, twice. Why? Is it because I know deep down he's a rational human being with the same foibles, fears, and loves as the rest of us? Absolutely not -- he's a Goblin through-and-through. The reason he bends me to his will is because of that little Goblin-paw print he leaves at the bottom of my paycheck every Friday. That paw print of his has paid-off a lot of debt, lemme tell ya.

Can money make me irresistible to women?

Yes. It is a long known fact that whoever brings home the largest paycheck gets the wife with the biggest boobies.

Can money buy me happiness?

Yes, and yes. People with a lot of money will tell you otherwise. Sometimes, they'll even tell long stories about how much happier they were back when they were poor. They weren't. They're either romanticizing being poor, lying to make you feel better, or too stupid to deserve the money they have. You should steal from them at every opportunity. If they were that much happier poor, they'd write you a check for all of it and let you find out for yourself. Rich people would stand on street corners desperately trying to hand out the source of their misery -- and we would cross to the other side in an effort to avoid them.