The Truth about the Jersey Shore 8/14/00

Dear Mr. Steele

Okay so what is the truth about the Jersey shore? Why is it that every single time I visit Wildwood the damn ocean gets farther and farther away??? It is almost a mile from the boardwalk and it really sucks especially when the sand is hot! Oh and I knew you would appreciate this because all of those living in South Jersey have visited that place at least once.

Thanks, Nicole

Confession time yet again, Gentle Readers: Mr. Steele does not go to the beach, and I've never been to Wildwood as far as I know (but I've been pretty damned lost once or twice, so who knows, I might have driven through the place).

Why not? I'll tell you why not -- because Mr. Steele is a Lighter Shade of Pale.

Cave salamanders have more skin pigmentation than I do. With my shirt off, I could pose for Gray's Anatomy. If I stand in front of a bright light, you can watch my heart beat. Deep sea fish have been known to point and laugh.

The last time I went to the shore and sat on the beach had to be about six years ago. I sat under an umbrella the entire day. Under ... a ... fucking... umbrella. And even so, I got sun poisoning so bad I couldn't wear pants or straighten my legs for three weeks.

Did you know that with a severe enough sunburn, the skin of your back actually gets sensitive enough to read the label of your shirt, like a blind man reading braille? True fact.

However, even though I myself have not witnessed this phenomenon, I think I can pose a reasonable explanation. The Truth is, the water is fleeing from New Jersey.

Wouldn't you, if you could? I mean, if you were water. Hypodermic needles, dead bodies, various industrial wastes, regular old oil-on-the-road runoff ... personally, I'm surprised Jersey still has any beaches. If I were the Atlantic, I'd back away so far they'd have to install a whole other state.

The Truth for the Day is, there's never been a better time to buy a little offshore property in the lovely state of New Jersey -- as it will be beachfront property any day now.