Original Entry 8/6/97

Why are you here? Way I figure it, you're here for one of two reasons.

(1) You saw my page listed in my profile, and you thought perhaps you should check it out. If this is the case then what probably drew you to my profile was my height or my location in the country or the fact that I quote Shakespeare or Peter Gabriel.

(2) You were searching for a vague group of words and by some fluke you found this page. Maybe mine was the only page that had both Nun Beating and Penguin Molestation.

Either way, stop reading. Go to another page, because nothing that interests either of those groups of people will be said here. Excuse me while I draw in more like you.

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Just a few words to come up on someone's Search. Don't be alarmed . . . I'm going to do that periodically. As I was saying anyone who's come here searching for (1) is looking for a suitable man -- which I'm not -- and anyone here looking for (2) is probably looking to commit a crime vicariously through others.

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What is it you're actually going to find here if not Men or Crime? Truth. 'Which Truth' I haven't decided yet, and the profundity will be determined by how many beers I have in me when I finally decide upon a Truth. It could be the Truth about parking tickets (one beer) or the Truth about the Universe (seven beers). It all depends on how quickly I get to the truth and how quickly I drink.

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There . . . THOSE words oughtta bring the Lunatic Fringe. As I was saying which Truth hasn't been determined yet. Maybe I'll let you decide through e-mails . . . but who wants to sort through e-mail for the Truth? All I ever get in my e-mails are ways to make money fast and lose weight. Funny how it's assumed that if I'm on AOL I'm fat and poor.

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Just dragged the movie fans in here. Okay, time for a little truth. Elvis is Dead. Just the tiniest of Truths, and something most of you have accepted. But there are still some of you out there holding out, despite the fact that even if he WERE alive he wouldn't be good-lookin'. Elvis was no Sean Connery.

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Okay . . . another quick truth: JFK's kid isn't the sexiest man alive. The sexiest man alive would marry a prettier girl. I've woken up next to prettier than that and still said 'Ew.'

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One last truth and then I'm outta here. I know you've got Nun-beating pages to get to.

WHY ARE WE HERE?

I asked God that very question this morning as we were playing chess. (Note: God plays a helluva game of chess.) I said "God why are we here?"

His reply? "None of your damn business . . . and it's your move."

"Well THAT's a fine How-do-you-do " I shot back.

"What do you expect?" He asked. "The Bible said I made you in my image. That was a typo. The truth is I made you in my garage. I shouldda swept the planet clean of you in that flood . . . but Noah . . . I just really liked that guy. And someone had to carry those animals around. Who knew he'd repopulate the planet with his family? I figured the lions would get him the moment he let them off the boat. But they bolted off the boat and ate the jerntien. Never heard of a jerntien? Of course not . . . the lions ate them."

Once God goes off on a tangent best not to try to bring him back to the original subject. Those of you who've read the Old Testament know what I'm talking about.

Ah well. I think that's enough truth for now. Sometime in the next few weeks I'm probably going to put my novel out here. Not the entire thing mind you . . . just the first seventy pages or so. And I'll make some sort of arrangement for people to buy the rest if they're interested. Don't worry . . . it's not the silliness you've just read, although this gave you a sense for my humor. Nope -- this is my vampire novel.

Check back every so often and I'll see what I can do. Or write me with a 'Truth' subject line. I promise I won't delete it. Maybe I'll do an advice column in here . . . 'Advice you Probably Shouldn't Follow.' That might be fun.

Ta for now.