The Truth about Chicks & Effort 8/2/98


so why is it that if you try your hardest to succeed at something... like learning how to drive a car or practicing to become a better artist you will over time get better and you can see an improvment in the situation you are tring for but the harder you try to get involved with a woman or get into the dating pool again the worse off you are?


It's a simple equation, really. The variable 'Diggage' (or how much a chick will dig you) is equal to 'How much you remind her of Daddy' times 'How much Daddy won't like you' times 'Bank Account' over 'Effort.'

In other words: the more you try the less they like you.

The thrill of it all is in the Hunt. In this Chicks are just like us.

Ever had a perfectly nice, perfectly attractive woman who was completely in love with you and entirely devoted? Of course you have. We all have. And you left her why? Because she was boring. No Chase. No Hunt. We're all just like cats: the string ain't worth attacking unless it's twitching back and forth.

I used to lament the fact that women didn't seem to like me because I was 'too nice.' Then I got over it. No -- I didn't get over the fact that they didn't like me; I got over being too nice. It's not as hard as you think, and it really works. I could never have become the a complete-pig-Serial-Dater I am now if I'd remained nice.

Now, since I realize that being a pig doesn't come as naturally to everyone as it does to me, I've compiled a list of Do's and Don'ts for aspiring Pigs to follow.

DON'T use the phrase 'make love.' Instead, use 'bang,' 'boff,' 'hump,' or the ever-popular, 'do.'

DON'T look into a woman's eyes when she's talking to you. Instead, stare directly into her breasts. (Hey, women wouldn't dress that way if they didn't want their knobs to be noticed.)

DO trash marriage as an institution whenever possible.

DO complain that Suffrage is ruining this country.

DO watch everything she eats, and steer her away from fatty foods. (i.e. "She'll just have the salad, thanks.")

DO compare her to every girlfriend you've ever had and bring up her short-comings whenever possible. How's she ever going to learn if you don't teach her?

Now if you'll excuse me I've got to find my pith helmet. The Hunt begins.