Remember when I used to write about stuff that wasn't the New Humanity? Well, I have received a couple of letters that don't have anything to do with all that stuff--in fact, I've fallen a little behind. Let's see ...
Dear Mr. Steele,
What ever happend to the Black Dorito? The phone call made so long ago left even more questions then the leter began with. What is this little lovely? Is it the rare dark mater? If i might quote you
" Clearly Dorito Guy doesn't think very clearly at three in the morning. But I'm not finished looking into this -- not by a longshot, my friends.
The Truth for the Day is that It's out there. The Truth that is. The Truth is out there. And we're going to find it, see-if-we-don't."
Well... lets find it.
Signed, truth seeker
Unfortunately, the restraining order prevents me from searching for that particular Truth with that particular Dorito Guy. What's more, Dorito Guy's attorneys were surprisingly large ... and ... um ... surprisingly tatooed. It seems the mystery of the Black Dorito will need to be left for future generations to ponder.
Which brings us to our next mystery:
Dear Mr. Steele,
I am breaking out over my legs! It's like a zit world there. The reason being is because I'm really not an experienced shaver. I'm gay, and i like my parnter to feel me nice and smooth, but IM NOT NICE AND SMOOTH! I don't know what to do. The first time I shaved (not knowing how) I used Mach III and it's sensitive skin shaving cream..and i broke out with that. Then I used hair remover cream and and I broke out with that..WHAT SHOULD I USE?
Signed, Unexperienced Leg Shaver
Hmm. Leg Shaving. I'm an expert on a lot of things, but I can't say I know much about leg shaving. For that reason, I guess I'd just have to recommend letting your leg hair grow. After all, don't gay men like men? And as such, shouldn't gay men like leg hair? Admittedly, the ins and outs of it all are--like the Black Dorito--a bit of a mystery to me.
Maybe an electric razor would work?
Which brings us to our next question.
Dear Mr. Steele,
How can i turn into a werewolf?
Well then ... someone with the exact opposite problem. Maybe Unexperienced Leg Shaver will let you borrow some of his leg hairs.
The Truth about Werewolves is that they aren't real. So you can't become one. Every couple of weeks, I get an email from someone protesting the fact that I say vampires and werewolves aren't real elsewhere on this page (see Frequently Asked Questions). I hate to be the one to re-break this to you (and I'm sure it won't help book sales), but they're really, really not real.
And if they were real, I could get into a lot of trouble talking about them.
But they're not real and I'm sticking to that. Period, end of story.
Heh ... which segues rather tidily into the next letter ...
I am conducting a survey on Paranormal beliefs in conjunction with Northwestern Oklahoma State University. Please take a moment to complete the survey below by sending it back to me with your answers. You can cut and paste the survey onto a new message. If you would like you can forward this survey to friends and family.
By forwarding this survey to me I assume you agree with the following statement:
"Participation in this survey is completely voluntary and you may stop at any time. If you would like a copy of the final study send request it in the forward section. "
Thank you very much for you participation, your personal information will not be included in the final report.
No, the above isn't any sort of strange hoax, and CatinaLey (also know as my eldest step-daughter) is not going send you a dollar or put your name on a strange mailing list or anything like that. It is what it says--a survey for a senior thesis. The questions are all real easy, I promise. If you've got a minute, head on out to that site.
Tune in for the next Truth, when I come to terms with the fact that making fun of Ryan, Jacob, and the Artless New Humanity is a full-time job with 'The Truth about the New Humanity IV.'