The Truth about Scooter Thomas 7/9/01

Dear Mr. Steele,

For months now I've been having the same disturbing dream that involves the strategic wiring of small woodland creatures, specifically squirrells, to a complex workup of blenders and toaster ovens. So I guess my question is- What's the square root of 14?

Hammered Steele

Since the square root of nine is three, and the square root of sixteen is four, and fourteen is between nine and sixteen, it's only logical to assume that the square root of fourteen is three-point-something-something.

What interests me more is this strategic wiring of yours. I want a schematic in my email in seventy-two hours. Is the end result some manner of climbing/squeaking/toasting/blending device? I'm interested to know.

Hammered ... I'm tempted to think that you are this certain person from the Tree House who constantly writes of squirrels--except that you mispelled 'squirrels.' Anyone who writes about squirrels as often as he does would know how to spell the word ... except that you didn't actually misspell the word as much as you added an extra 'L', and that might be a typo rather than a misspelling. If you are that person, then I'm honored that you've chosen the name 'Steele.' If you're not that person, then I challenge the use of not only the word 'Steele' but of the word 'Hammered'--for I am surely more hammered than you, right at the moment.

But am I writing this Truth to discuss the square root of fourteen? I think not. Although that decimal figure goes on and on, it doesn't give me much to talk about, does it? That is, unless God left a message for us at the end of repeating decimals--and if he did, he would have left it at the end of Pie.

Hrm. Pie. There might be some combination of keys that will produce that letter of the Greek alphabet, but if there is, I don't know it. I hope the humor of this Truth doesn't suffer for it.

What the fuck was I talking about?

On yeah. Squirrels. When you wire a squirrel into a circuit ...

No. That wasn't it. Oh yeah. Now I remember.

Have I discussed Scooter Thomas Makes It to the Top of the World in this space yet? I haven't? Shame on me.

It's a play Mrs. Steele directed for competition. Here's how it goes: you compete at the State level, and then at the Regional level, and then at the Nationals level. That is, if you're lucky. Or talented. Have I mentioned that Mrs. Steele is extremely talented? Yeah, I thought so.

Scooter trounced at the State level, because the New Jersey Theater League was only ever about getting one lame-ass director (who shall remain nameless) (I mean it--I'm not gonna tell you who he is) originally founded the organization to get himself to the State level by hosting and schmoozing the judges. Okay, I don't really know that that is why he founded it. But I do know that that has been the organization's sole purpose for the past few years. Lame-ass would cajole the judges into giving him the winning position at the State level, and then bitch that he was treated unfairly at Regionals.

And yet, Mrs. Steele--who didn't consort with any of the judges--has made it to Regionals for the past three years. And this year, we were the only play to even submit a play for States. New Jersey may not be all that large, but we've got a whole lot of humans and a whole lot of community theaters. Could it be that the entire northern half of the state couldn't come up with something? Or could it be more likely that Lame-ass running the Theater League has driven out anyone who might be close to competing with him over the years?

It's a total-fuckin'-mystery.

Bottom-line is, we swept States because no one else came out to play. ('Play.' Get it? Yeah, it's funny.) And we won Regionals because Nikolette Adams (Director), Kevin Paul (Actor), and David Micun (actor) are incredibly talented.

Which would be the same reason why we took First Runner-up at Nationals, by the way.

Here's how it works: there are many International Festivals scheduled for the upcoming year. First place gets first choice, second place gets second choice, and so on.

We knew going into Festival that we had a really good shot at the top three, so we decided--as a cast--upon Egypt as the International Festival we would attend should we win.

We lose (Second Place is still losing). The winner takes Ireland. God only knows why.

Scooter goes to Egypt--assuming the theater can afford the money to pay for the prestige that comes with being invited to Egypt and accepting.

Scooter drags Mr. Steele along because he is the Assistant Director, and is therefore indisposable (?) overseas.

Iago Steele sees Egypt at the only price he can afford: Free.

The trip is scheduled for 8/02. Plenty of time for the theater to raise the money. Whether or not they actually will is another matter. We'll have to see. But the Steeles may actually see Egypt.

I wrote a piece some time ago, about Scooter in Altoona. Now, for the first time, I'm going to create a link from that page to this one here.

Then, we went to Harrisburg. Another travel log, that you can see from here.

I'll understand if you want to put off reading them until you can catch the entire Trilogy, with the last taking place in Egypt.

Hah! Yeah, right. As if you'd think I was that understanding. Go read the other two, and come back in a year for the end of the Trilogy. That is, so long as we actually get to go. If we don't, the final episode will read, "We didn't get to go," and you'll at least get to share in our sorrow.

Well? What are you waiting for? Have you read those other two logs yet?