The Truth about Leg Shaving 6/30/98

Dear Mr. Steele

My legs are very pale the glare from them could blind a person. So I am cautious about wearing shorts. During the spring I wear shorts at home only. I sit in my backyard and sun them until they are brown enough as to not cause any danger. Yesterday I decided they had reached that toasty brown and I could finally wear shorts in public. First I had to shave my legs. That's when I discovered that it wasn't my skin that was golden brown it was the hair. My legs are as pale as ever and I have to wear long pants. So here's my question. Why do women have to shave their legs? I suspect it's because all men are essentially pedifiles. What do you think?



I have two theories on the subject of Leg Shaving.

One: All men are essentially pedophiles.

The very first girls we were attracted to didn't have any hair on their legs . . . of course that's because the lot of us were in the 1st grade (or younger). But Dammit some things shouldn't change.

Ever noticed how sixteen year old girls are attractive even if they're not? It's instinct -- no different from yawning just because someone else does. Sixteen year old girls are perfectly suited for baby-making (if poorly suited for baby-raising) and the ancestral impulses which brought us to our current exhalted state of evolution wants men to have sex with sixteen year old girls. That's why we made them illegal . . . if they weren't, no woman over twenty would get any sex.

Or, another possibility is that sixteen year old girls are so irritating that if they weren't so damned cute we'd kill them -- just like babies. There is no more irritating creature on the planet: not horseflies, not mosquitoes, not gnats. Ask Leonardo.

Two: Women are a Whacky Breed.

Who shaves women's legs? Is it men? Nope. It's women. And while it's true that most of us non-Dead Heads wouldn't sleep with a woman wearing shaggy pantaloons, why is this? Because American woman have been shaving their legs for so long, we've come to expect it. Women will do just about anything in their perpetual competition to Find and Keep the Richer Lawyer; and right alongside uncomfortable shoes, showing your legs when it's freezing outside, and forty-five minutes of make-up application you've added Leg Shaving.

You've come a long way, Baby.

Not that men are any better . . . our own perpetual competition to become the Richer Lawyer has brought the legal system to the tangled mess that it's in today. I daresay that Leg Shaving is far less irrational behavior than litigating a once-great country to its knees. Point, Chicks.

The Truth for the Day:

It's a bitch being a dumb animal with thumbs and an over-blown sense of Humanity.