The Truth about Sometimes Not Feeling so Fresh 6/24/98

Dear Mr. Steele

I am a beyond miffed. Today in the mail I received a 'generous sample' of a product called 'FDS'. If you are not familiar with this....it is short for 'feminine deoderant spray'. How in the hell can the manufacturer make such an arbitrarily offensive assumption as to the state of my womanly cleanliness? Huh??? I don't recall any representative from Schmockter and Handball ::coughcopyrightinfringement:: ever taking a hearty inhale of my crotch...even in my wilder days.

And just who is this gunk designed for? WTF? If it stinks....freakin wash it. My mother always said "Soap and water come cheap no excuse for bein stinky".

Mr. Steel.....I am far from malodorous.

Yours Truly

Anonymous at Request

It's true. Anonymous is not malodorous. The scratch-'n-sniff attachment she sent with that e-mail more than proves it.

However, as this is Yet Another Area of My Expertise, I feel there's something important to note here: while some crotches may smell better than others, no crotch smells good. If it did we'd serve it up with eggs.

'Another omlette please . . . and don't be stingy with the Crotch!'

No.

It couldn't even be called an 'acquired taste ' like beer, whiskey, or cigarettes. It's not. And anyone who tells you they actually like the taste is lying. They don't. They like the sounds they hear while they endure the taste. There are three reasons -- and three reasons only -- to wear the Fuzzy Facemask.

(1) Low Self-esteem

(2) True Love

(3) Fervent Hopes for Reciprocal Acts

Now I hear you saying (funny how I can always hear what you're saying isn't it?) "Oh as if he doesn't enjoy the Reciprocal Act!" Truth is, I don't. (And you can count this as Today's Truth) And it's not because it doesn't feel good (although a woman who really does it well is a rare find indeed) (and -- generally speaking -- a psycho-hose-beast). Even bad Reciprocal Act is better than pitching a perfect game or a hole-in-one.

No . . . the reason I don't like it is because of the After-Kiss. Garlic? Bliss. Onions? Paradise on Earth. Tapioca ala Steele? I don't think so. Take that mouth into the bathroom and scrub it out. And don't use my toothbruth either . . . the one I use for grout is under the sink. And don't forget to clean that toothbrush when you're finished.

The other Truth of the Day:

Despite what you've heard, even if Men were as nimble as Dogs and could lick themselves, they still wouldn't.

But if we did, it would only be for True Love.