Oofah. This is a biggie, Boys and Girls. Perhaps it's best at this juncture to take a moment, make sure the cigarettes are extinguished, the seat backs are in their upright positions, and the cocktails are set to Stun.
Mr. Steele has gone and gotten himself engaged.
Take a moment with it. Inhale. Exhale. Give the woozy feeling a few seconds to pass. It'll all be over shortly.
There. Feeling better? Good. Then let's continue.
I'm not exactly sure of the exact date when I got engaged. That sounds really bad, doesn't it? Well ... here's the thing ... it was right around midnight on the 18th of May, but it might have been just after midnight, making it the 19th. I made her stand up, took one knee, and asked her to be my wife. No fanfare, no tuxedos, no roses, no signs by the side of the road, no fireworks, no suicide threats.
Oh ... and for those of you who were about to ask, No, she is not pregnant.
The date of the wedding will be October 1st, and we're doing it in
Vegas at an Undisclosed Location (we can't exactly have throngs of crushed women showing up to wreck the fun, can we?).
Anyway, there are a few things that being engaged for almost two weeks has taught me, and I thought I'd share them with you.
(1) Getting engaged means that your back will never be dirty again.
(2) Getting engaged means that you just doubled your friends. If -- for some reason -- you went into complete seclusion a few years before meeting your fiancé, then getting engaged can mean multiplying your friends by a factor of ... oh ... fifty or so.
(3) Getting engaged does not mean that no one will ever hit on your woman again. In fact, an engagement ring can really bring the scumbags out of the woodwork.
(4) Sometimes, scumbags are named Steve and live in Beach Haven, NJ with a wife and a baby. Oops ... that was indiscreet, wasn't it? Terribly fuckin' sorry, Stevo. Just be happy I left you eight of your fingers.
(5) It takes three and a half minutes to wrench a human finger from a hand without a cutting tool, and there's a lot of blood and screaming involved. After the first, they generally slip into shock, making the removal of subsequent fingers a far quieter affair. Tip: remove the finger over a kitchen sink to minimize the mess, and don't wear white for the procedure.
These are really the only things I've learned about being engaged that I could call 'universal.' I have learned a bunch of other things. Oh, yes. However, I'd have to say that most of these things are exclusive to a rather small sampling of the Fiancé Data Pool. For example:
(1) The right woman can be trusted -- even if fifteen years of women before her have conspired to teach you otherwise.
(2) The right woman finds a thousand little ways to make your life easier, rather than harder.
(3) The right woman won't let you help around the house, despite your guilt. (I may be able to eventually break her of this, but by the time that happens, I won't want to vacuum.) (Not that I particularly want to vacuum now.)
(4) The right woman understands that we will not be stopping to ask for directions.
(5) The right man knows when it's become truly hopeless, and the time has come to stop and ask for directions. (Of course, that time is never.)
There. I think for the time being, that's all I have to say about being engaged. I'm sure other things will come up. Oh, yes. I mean, I may be smitten and helplessly hopelessly in love and all that, but I didn't remain a bachelor until age 31 because of all the happy, pleasant things I heard about marriage. I'm sure there'll be ... things. Peeing-while-I'm-shaving types of things. My-shit-in-her-stuff types of things. Honey-where-did-you-put-the-handcuffs types of things.
But you can rest assured that when these little things come up, I'll be shooting them right to this page for your reading pleasure. The integrity of the Truth must not be violated! The Truth must go on! And, on!
That is, so long as she says it's okay.