Dear Mr. Steele:
do you work at plinwhell, are you gay ohh browneye do you do herion my name is corey leap fuccck meeee....
Signed, your bitch
Heh ... um ... heh. Where to start?
No, I don't work at Plinwhell. I'm not even sure what a Plinwhell is.
No, I'm not gay--not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but I'm just not.
No, I don't have brown eyes. Nor do I do heroin.
And finally ... no, I won't 'leap-fuck' you. Although I like to think of myself as the sort of writer who'll do anything for his readers, the fact is I'm really not. Mostly, I just do stuff for me.
Thanks for writing, though--as your letter gives me a perfect segue for my next Truth.
Speaking of getting fucked ... the wife and I got a PC for Christmas.
The Truth is, I've been thinking about getting one for a long time. My iBook has fallen somewhat short of the Perfect Machine on an occasion or two, and there've been a few games that I've really wanted to try but couldn't, and maybe--just maybe--it was time Swim in the Big Pond With the Big Fishes.
My musings on the possibility inspired my father to get Mrs. Steele and I a kick-ass PC for Christmas. I'd rattle off all of its statistics, except that a) it would date this article (unlike the date at the top of the article, which does nothing of the kind) and b) I don't fuckin' remember them. But it's got lots of big numbers. Mighty numbers. Just pretend that I uttered a bunch of impressive numbers and Ooo and Ahhh appropriately.
I'm told that these days, all PCs ship with Windows XP. At least, ours did--which brings me to my List of Possible Slogans for Windows XP:
Windows XP ... it works 25% of the time!
Drop your pants and grab your ankles--Windows XP has arrived!
Windows XP--like getting fucked without dinner, lubricant, or getting to press charges!
You get the idea. Suffice to say that I have--at times--been less than pleased with the new machine. Way, way, less than pleased. It's got a lot of potential, I'll give it that. Sometimes I can play games on it for hours at a time--so long as I don't mind spending the first couple of hours getting those games to work.
Don't get me wrong--System X is no date with the Prom Queen either. I hated it when I first got it--and sometimes, I hate it still. I was not happy with the fact that I needed to pry open my little blue clamshell and put a new hard drive in there for a system that mostly works. Now it's done and it works and everything is (nearly) beautiful--but that new hard drive sat silently in its little silver envelope for months before I got up the balls (and the tools) to do that installation.
So, there it is. Mr. Steele is not a Windows XP fan, and Mr. Steele is slowly warming up to Mac's System X. The more things change, the less things work--I just hope that one of these companies gets this system right before they limp along to the next half-assed system.
Someone please send Bill Gates a link to this page.