The Truth about Elian 5/9/00

Dear Mr. Adams: (Ever see 1776? Great tune. Great show.)

Am I the first to spout off about Elian, Janet, Bill and the gang? That would be hard to believe, since it's dominated the news of late. And is sure didn't take long for the Internet to start circulating a picture of Janet Reno's head superimposed on the body of the Storm Trooper (Yes, Storm Trooper) who aimed his assault rifle, debatably, in the near vicinity of the shocked and frightened child. But who could blame the guy? He was probably a veteran of the Columbine Massacre. Good thing Elian wasn't wearing his black raincoat; he'd be toast now.

And will this really have a long-term affect on that little boy? Probably. The next time one of his neighbors disappears in the middle of the night, after Castro's secret police pay a visit, he may wonder if they're getting the same ice cream he got when he flew on the big plane to Washington.

And what does this have to say about the course of human events? Well, in the future, when you are a bit late on that IRS payment, you might want to leave that front door open, unless you want to have to replace it after they come in the middle of the night to "collect." And you were still "negotiagating," in the immortal words of Maryilaysis (how the hell do you spell it?) Gonzales. Viva Cuba!

Okay, confession time for Mr. Steele.

The Truth is, I've called a General Media Ban on All Things Elian. Allow me to explain why.

Remember the OJ trial? Specifically, remember Kato? I mean, basically we're talking about a non-person, here. An ambulatory mannequin. A piece of carbon-based plasmic rubbish taking up space on this already-overcrowded earth. But damn, if we didn't hear about his every action for a period of nearly two years.

"Tonight's headline ... Kato stubs a toe! Oh, the Humanity! Also in the news, there was some sort of explosion and some people died. No biggie."

Trust the media to find something we really don't care about, and pummel us with it until we wish it was dead.

However, since I did call this General Ban, I am woefully ignorant of the events surrounding Elian -- except for a few Basic Truths.

(1) If the mother is dead, a boy's place is with his father. Period, end of story. The only exception to this is if the father feels he is someplace so terrible that the son should stay where he is, or if the father is an abuser.

(2) The Gonzales Family might have been well-intentioned. MIGHT. But it doesn't really matter, because a boy's place is with his father.

(3) If some well-meaning members of my family decided that they were going to keep my son (not that I have one, mind you) against my wishes, I'd storm that fuckin' house with guns. No negotiations.

(4) The current government in Cuba will not outlast Castro. The economics of Communism don't work. The Ruskies were kind enough to prove that for us. Elian will outlive the current regime in Cuba.

(5) If the mother is dead, a boy's place is with his father -- save for the above listed exceptions.

And, could someone please explain to me what the fuck a photographer was doing in that bedroom? Did one of the family members see this is a good photo-op? Or did the US Government feel it was okay to have photographers in a situation where SWAT team members needed automatic weapons and body armor?

There isn't a thing about this entire fiasco that I like -- save for its outcome.