The Truth about Hair 5/5/98

Dear Mr. Steele

I used to have hair to the middle of my back... for like 4 years. But for some reason this year i decided to cut it a bit shorter. and now i find myself every 3 months needing to cut it even shorter... and shorter... a bit shorter each time. Its like I cant stop.. for some reason i get sick pleasure from making myself look like a doofus.

Whats wrong with me????????

S Dagnoth

This is one of the more serious letters I've received, because I've been there and I know where Dagnoth is going. If he doesn't stop this ugly, ugly cycle, he will soon shave his head clean. And believe me, you have no idea just how large your ears are or just how much you can look like a mental patient until you've shaved your head.

Sometimes, there just aren't enough hats.

Considering the seriousness of this problem, I decided it was time to place another call to Dortito Guy. He was so insightful the last time around I believe only he can help Dagnoth through his personal gauntlet.

Roll tape!

DORITO GUY: Hello? Dad? Have you heard anything about Mom? Is she okay?

STEELE: This isn't your father.

DORITO GUY: It's not? Who is this?

STEELE: You know who this is.

DORITO GUY: Oh . . . it's you. Look, I really have to keep this line clear . . .

STEELE: Plenty of time for that later. I have a friend who has a problem.

DORITO GUY: Why didn't you say so? Shoot.

STEELE: This friend of mine . . . let's just call him Htongad . . .

DORITO GUY: Htongad? You got no normal friends, do you kid?

STEELE: Are we going to help or are we going to point fingers?

DORITO GUY: Sorry . . . I'm helping . . . go on.

STEELE: Htongad . . . well . . . he used to have this really long hair half-way down his back. Now he finds himself cutting it shorter and shorter. He wants to know why he insists on making himself look like a Doofus.

DORITO GUY: Does he really look like a Doofus?

STEELE: Um . . . gosh I dunno. I haven't seen him.

DORITO GUY: Okay -- here's the thing: long hair is a pain in the butt. You know that, I know that. So why does one have long hair? There's only one reason: because it bugs the hell outta your parents.

STEELE: That's not true . . . some people have long hair because they want to project a certain image of themselves to the world. They want to make it clear to all that they're not part of the short-haired nine-to-five dog-eat-dog establishment.

DORITO GUY: Are we going to listen or are we going to point fingers?

STEELE: Sorry . . . I'm listening . . . go on.

DORITO GUY: All that eloquent crap you just said: it was very eloquent but it was also very crap. They grow their hair long to bug their parents end of story.

<call-waiting click>

STEELE: Uh . . . isn't that your dad calling?

DORITO GUY: He can wait . . . it's not like Mom's going to be more dead five minutes from now. Now shaddup and listen. If he finds himself cutting his hair shorter and shorter it only means one thing: he's rebelling again, only this time against himself.


DORITO GUY: He's trying to change . . . to grow-up so-to-speak. He no longer minds as much that his parents are made crazy by the haircut. His ideas about how he wants to present himself to the world -- and to himself -- are changing. Htongad is ready to be Htongad instead of the son of Mr. and Mrs. Htongad.

STEELE: But what if he can't stop? What if he ends up shaving his head?

DORITO GUY: Bad way to go. I don't recommend it for a white guy -- because then it looks like you're politically aligning yourself with a group of people who aren't smart enough to understand the concept of kitty litter.

<long pause>

STEELE: What about people who have long hair when they're in their sixties? They're not rebelling against their parents.

DORITO GUY: There's no hope for you.

STEELE: It's just that if really old men have long hair, it sort of blows your whole theory out of the water doesn't it?

<another long pause>

DORITO GUY: How can a virus be neither living or dead? Can you answer me that? Why is it --

STEELE: I've got to go.

Yet-another spoonful of bitter truth from Dorito Guy.