The Truth about Bisexual Chicks 5/4/98

Dear Mr. Steele

Why is it that every single girl I know has all of a suden "become" bisexual within the past year?

S Dagnoth

Ah . . . back to one of my favorite topics. I've touched on this, but haven't really explored it too deeply. Today, Gentle Readers, I'm going to touch this subject all over and whisper sweet-nothings into its ear. I'm gonna molest it like an altar boy.

I guess the obvious answer would be that S Dagnoth is doing something terribly horribly wrong in bed . . . but I don't really believe this to be the case. I think there's something far more sinister behind it. Because, you see, the Bisexual Female can be difficult to spot if you don't know what to look for. The Bisexual Female can be easily mistaken for a creature modern science has now proven does not exist: The Heterosexual Chick Who's Brain Works Right.

Let's face it -- anyone of any sex who's attracted to a man simply ain't thinkin' straight. We are the Ugly Sex. But being attracted to men is just the tip-of-the-iceberg. Wall stencilling, needle point, uncomfortable shoes, macrame . . . if you can find a chick who's not into any of these oddities you think maybe you've got yourself a real catch right? Well . . . you might at that. But you've also got a chick who wouldn't mind sleeping with other chicks.

So in the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy I'll list a few warning signs:

If your girlfriend farts under the covers and lifts them up over your head, you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.

If your girlfriend yells at hocky games on television -- and especially if she knows all of the players by name -- you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.

If your girlfriend finishes sex with the words 'There, that oughtta hold ya,' you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.

If you finish checking out the beautiful woman crossing the room before she does, you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.

If your girlfriend ever asks you to get her hiking boots out of the beer cooler in the back of her pick-up truck, you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.

If your girlfriend can put a decent spiral on a football, you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.

If your girlfriend has a heart tattoo on her bicep with the word 'Darlene' written in it, you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.

If your girlfriend can leave the house less than five minutes after announcing that she has to leave the house, you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.

And last but not least:

If your girlfriend reminds you repeatedly that your subscription to Playboy is about to run out and that you'd better send a check, you might be dating a Bisexual Chick.