The Truth about the Secret of Life 5/2/00

Dear Mr. Steele;

I have at long last thronged enough courage to ask you these questions. I have struggled with this for a long time and hope that someone can answer it for me. You are my last hope Iago Steele.

After many exhaustive years of work, marriage(s), sex, graduate work, children, teenagers, and their respective paraphernalia (not necessarily in that order) I have yet to come to a conclusion.

I read everything I can find in the mystery/suspense and horror genre. I have to admit I haven't read your book yet, but have heard many wonderful things about it. I look forward to reading it on vacation soon. What, after all the exhaustive years filled with the above you think I have time to find and read EVERYTHING? Anyways, I thought Anne Rice and Buffy had the corner on vampires!

I could go on forever but with me being busy and you being, well a writer, I will just ask.

Does the secret to a long, happy life have anything to do with Pokemon cards and Barbie dolls?


Funny you should ask, but it just so happens that the Secret to a Long Happy Life has everything to do with ... well ... with BJ.

However, that Truth is relative. For example, for a time in my life when BJ was that doctor on M*A*S*H and nothing more, the Secret to Life had more to do with comic books, Micronauts, and Legos. If you can't build it with Micronauts and Legos, it just can't be built. I had a very nice working model of the String Theory going for a while there, but my father made me disassemble it when my creation spilled into the hallway. Whatta bummer that was.

I'm gonna take the fact that I just saw two squirrels humping on the patio table as a sign that I'm on to something, and run with this. Damn ... if I could finish up that quickly, I'd never be late for work again. What do squirrels have on their agendas that they have to finish sex so quickly? If I was a squirrel, I'd fuck for days on end. I wonder if that she-squirrel found the encounter satisfying in the least, or if she's going to bitch to her squirrel-friends about the fact that Mr. Squirrel didn't hold her after.

You see? You see what lack of sleep does to a person? I'm fascinated by the Unbearable Lightness of Being Squirrel, and all because I can't boff as fast as they can.

Fucking Squirrels.

However, the topic on the boards was Pokeman Cards and Barbie Dolls. The Truth is, they are the Secret to a Long Happy Life, but only if you're under four feet in height. Well ... maybe 4'6. (In my case, it was 5'3, but I was slow to mature.) Pokeman Cards and Barbie Dolls -- just like Power Rangers, Transformers, Cabbage Patch Dolls, GI Joes, He-Man, Hoola Hoops (wow, I've never had occasion to spell that before. I'm sure that's wrong), Pet Rocks, Chia Pets, and Sea Monkeys -- all belong to the same category. Each of these suckers are designed to masquerade as the Secret of Life until adolesence ends and Sex is discovered, at which time the Secret of Life changes to whatever will get Sex and lots of it.

For girls, the new toys are as follows: clothing -- particularly and inexplicably: shoes, and bigger boobies.

For boys, the list is far more extensive -- as we really have no idea what's going to get us laid: a law degree or a doctorate in medicine, fast cars, fast motorcyles, fast computers, water beds, a Soloflex machine or equivalent, beer, a full head of hair, a published novel, and a web page with a humorous advice column.

Fortunately I'm getting sex now, so I won't be needing that law degree. If I could just speed the sex up a little ...

Coming soon -- The Truth about Elian.