The Truth about the Devil in the Machine 4/14/00

Those of you who know me know that there's a topic I enjoy writing about even more than sex and lesbians. That's right, Boys & Girls ... Organized Religion has Entered the Building.

This is an email I received from -- a woman who probably enjoys writing about religion as much as I do. I'm assuming that because I received it from her, she in-turn received it from someone else, etc., etc., and for that reason, it's probably safe to assume that this is some form of chain letter-thingy. As always with this sort of thing, I have to say that I don't know for a fact that this story was ever actually printed in a newspaper. However, I doubt anyone but an actual minister could ever come up with something like this; so I can plant Iago Steele's Certified Stamp of Gulibility and Unaccountability on it without reservation.

SAVANNAH, Ga. -- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading minister warns.

How the fuck does one earn the title of 'leading' minister? Doesn't that word generally mean that he's 'in the lead' in some sort of ranking? What exactly is the yardstick used to measure a minister? Does it have to do with the number of young boys who've given/received fellatio with the minister in question? If you fuck an entire boy's choir in the course of an evening, does that all count as one little boy -- or do you get more points per boy, having gotten them all in one night?

"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine.

Don't look for this book out on Amazon, Boys & Girls -- I already checked, and it ain't there. In fact, that's almost enough to make me doubt this entire article, except that I can't rule out the possibility that in Savannah, GA, 'upcoming' means 'being written as we speak.'

Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being.

Waiter, there's a demon in my chicken.

And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.

"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister confirmed.

Whoa! I'm no theologist, but I always sortta figured that the system requirements for Lucifer 4.0 would be at least as high as AOLs.

The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers.

Oh ... oh ... and now, to my favoritist part. This, I love.

"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations.


Reverend, we denizens of the Real World don't refer to them as 'abominations.' Women just hate when we do that. Those bumpy bits, just above her stomach? Those are called, boobs, tits, knockers, sweater puppies, and for a short time during infancy, lunch.

And that hairy part at the top of her legs? In polite circles we refer to that as a pussy (yes, like the cat). When we refer to either of these body parts as 'abominations,' it tends to rule out the possibility of a second date.

Oh, but there's more -- and just as beautiful.

"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally.

"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "

Didn't know your vagina could type, did ya honey?

The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial-intelligence program fired up -- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' "

An 'artificial intelligence program?' I think I wanna ticket to Reverend Peasboro's World -- apparently, they have artificial intelligence programs there. Could someone please inform this pinhead that despite the predictions of Arthur C. Clarke, we still live in a world without a HAL?

And why-oh-why didn't the parishioner who let him use his computer explain to the mentally-feeble Reverend what an Instant Message was?

Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.

"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"

One has to wonder how this 'leading minister' defines 'expert in dead languages.' My gut tells me that a D in Latin in the 10th grade is all it takes.

Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming facts.

'Facts' -- of course -- being a subjective term.

"I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that computer demons exerted an influence on them."

I have got to read this fuckin' book of his.

The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of evil spirit.

And the minister bases this estimate on what, exactly? Or, is it possible that 'one-in-ten' is a number he pulled right out of his ass?

Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently."

I reread that warranty agreement very closely, and -- believe it, or not -- there's no mention of coverage in the case of demonic possession. And I have to ask -- if a technician can get rid of the spirit permanently, why don't they protect the hardware from demons right on the factory floor? Has Exorcism become a required course at every technical school?

The Truth for the Day is that some people are interesting enough to be interviewed, while others just need to go back on their meds.