The Truth about the Black Dorito 3/21/98

Dear Mr. Steele

Have you ever noticed that every so often when you open a Bag of Dorito Brand Tortilla Snacks you get a black one? Now my question is this: What is this elusive poor tasting creature? Is it only a manufacturers defect or is there some cosmic significance to the existance of this lovely?

Just keeping the lines open my friend. Drank a Corona for you today. It tasted like piss but don't they all? ;)


First-off Nyrve: I think you should switch to a better grade of piss.

However Nyrve has a good point. Is there some cosmic significance to the Black Dorito? I decided to place a little call to the Dorito-people to see if they could shed some light on this. I mean, if the significance of this phenomenon is indeed Cosmic perhaps it's something that should be shared with the World at Large.

I took the liberty of taping the conversation, which I will now transcribe for the benefit of the planet. I think you'll be rather interested in what I found.

FEMALE VOICE: Oh . . . Steele . . . give it to me! Give it to me! Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes!

Oops -- sorry. Wrong tape. Let's try this one.

DORITO GUY: Who is this? How did you get my home number? Why are you calling at three in the morning? STEELE: Sir, this could be important . . . more important than any of us could possibly realize. I need to ask about the Black Dorito.

DORITO GUY: <long pause> The Black Dorito?

STEELE: I can tell by your tone of voice that you know what I'm talking about.

DORITO GUY: No I don't.

STEELE: Of course you do. It's the elusive poor tasting creature that appears every so often when you open a bag of Dorito Brand Tortilla Snacks.

DORITO GUY: <silence>

STEELE: I need to know if the Black Dorito is only a manufacturer's defect, or if there is some cosmic significance to the existance of this little lovely.

DORITO GUY: Our manufacturers don't make defects. We make only perfect Doritos. And you can eat all you want because we'll just make more. And more.

STEELE: I sense you're being evasive. Don't toy with me.

DORITO GUY: I'm not being evasive . . . I'm not.

STEELE: Then it's logical to assume that there is some Cosmic Significance to the existance of this little lovely. I only gave you two choices and you said your manufacturers don't make defects.

DORITO GUY: They don't.

STEELE: Then what's the Cosmic Significance?

DORITO GUY: <another long pause> Can you keep a secret?

STEELE: Can I keep a secret? Did you know that Jimmy Hoffa's body was sold to Ms. Paul for $.15/pound for use in her fish-sticks?


STEELE: Of course you didn't -- because I can keep a secret.

Oh -- disregard that part Gentle Reader. That's a secret. Just pretend you never read it.

DORITO GUY: Okay . . . I'll tell you. Have you ever heard of Dark Matter?

STEELE: Um . . .

DORITO GUY: You see physicists came up with these equations as to the nature of the universe except -- big surprise! -- they don't balance. So they invented this stuff called Dark Matter and proudly pronounced that it composes 80% of the universe despite the fact that no one's ever seen it before.

STEELE: I see.

DORITO GUY: It's a little like the concept of 'super-saturated air.' Do you know what the definition of that is?

STEELE: I think I used to. I drank away Freshman Earth Science class back in '94.

DORITO GUY: Super-saturated is when the air is holding 'more water than it can hold.' Have you ever heard of such a thing? I mean how can anything hold more water than it can hold? These stupid <expletive deleted> measured how much water a certain amount of air could hold and then it turned out they were wrong. So instead of saying 'Oh -- it turns out air can hold this much water ' they said 'We weren't wrong about how much water air can hold . . . it just so happens that this particular chunk of air is holding more water than air can hold. So there.' And we bought it like a bunch of saps.

STEELE: Not to change the subject or anything, but I originally called because . . .

DORITO GUY: How can a virus be neither alive nor dead? What's that about? Would you accept that load of crap from anyone who wasn't wearing a lab coat and carrying a clipboard? Of course not!

STEELE: Sir, are you claiming that the elusive Black Dorito is actually a tiny piece of the more-elusive Dark Matter?

DORITO GUY: Am I claiming that? I never claimed that.

STEELE: But you said . . .

DORITO GUY: Forget what I said. It's a manufacturers defect.

Clearly Dorito Guy doesn't think very clearly at three in the morning. But I'm not finished looking into this -- not by a longshot, my friends.

The Truth for the Day is that It's out there. The Truth that is. The Truth is out there. And we're going to find it, see-if-we-don't.