The Truth about ... um ... Scrod 3/15/00

Dear Mr. Steele,

As you might recall, I sorta randomly commented to you as to my feelings on the word scrod. I had a nice -- I think I called it "stupid" when I was talking to you -- salmon steak up in my kitchen and I was looking around the Internet for some new and/or exciting way to cook it up. Well, when I typed the word, "fish" into various search engines (and don't laugh at me ... *some* people use search engines for *legitimate* things ... sometimes, at least ... ), I kept coming across that word. Scrod. Yuck. I mean, just look at it! What kind of a word IS that? I don't care if it IS the name of a fish. It's disgusting. In fact, I'm sure I can smell it. Do you smell scrod? Why doesn't someone wash ... something?

And who named this fish a scrod? Was it some smelly, drunken fisherman, pulling one from the sea ages and ages ago? ("Oooooohhh...what the hell is this ugly thing, Spartacus? *burp* It looks like YOU, you ... you ... scrod!") What kind of idiot would you have to be to even WANT to make that ... that ... *sound* ... SCROD ... with your mouth? What kind of freak? What kind of pervert? That's the real problem I'm having here. Scrod sounds like a body part that some icky, blechy, vile human would have if he never washed and never ... never ... came near other humans!

And don't tell me I need my medication! Just tell me the Truth!



PS And while I'm on the subject of Scrod, tell me why I hate Michael Douglas. I mean...I hate him. He IS a scrod, for sure. How did I come around to realizing that? Well...take Spartacus. You get Kirk Douglas. Take Kirk. You get Michael. Take have SCROD!! See? Full circle. Yes.

Actually, it just so happens that I'm somewhat of an expert on the subject of Scrod.

The dictionary definition is: 'A young codfish, especially when split and prepared for broiling.' Scholars believe that it's possible that the origin of this word is from the Middle Dutch schrode, meaning, 'a piece cut off.'

Now, you'd think that a word like 'scrod' would have have origins that came close to 'scrotum' (especially with the possible, 'a piece cut off' origin) but in fact, that isn't the case. The Dutch word for scrotum is zak, the Dutch word for testicles is kloten (the singular being, kloot), and Dutch for dick is lul. So, nothing in the male genitaliac package comes even close to 'scrod.'

Even if we switch to the female genetalia, kut (cunt) is no closer to 'scrod' than zak or lul. On an interesting note, kut has almost as many uses as our English 'fuck.' Kutding -- or 'cunt-thing,' roughly translates to 'fucking thing.' We've also got kutnederlanders (fucking Dutch); kutsmoes (fucking excuse); kutweer (fucking weather); and my personal favorite, kutzwagers -- which literally means 'cunt-in-laws,' and is used to refer to two men who have slept with the same woman. We really need a word for that in English, you know?

Kut can also be used as a suffix, in words such as gratenkut, which literally means 'fish bone cunt,' and is used to refer to a prostitute or a very lean woman.

Now, on the subject of Michael Douglas ... how on earth could you hate Michael Douglas? The guy does consistantly good movies. Romancing the Stone? War of the Roses? Black Rain? And this new thing he did ... the thing where he's a writer ... I'm sure that one's good, too. And what's more, that Catherine Zeta-Jones is some piece of ass. Anyone who scores that tasty little piece has got to have a few things going for him. In fact, it would seem to me that in order to get Catherine Zeta-Jones, he'd have to be considered somewhat a piece of ass, himself.

Hmm. 'Piece of ass.' 'A piece of something cut off.' I just found the connection. Case solved ... and you're welcome. My secretary will give you your prescription for your medication (which, I want you to take this week), and I'll see you on Thursday.