The Truth about My Country 3/2/99

Mr. Steele

Republicans. Democrats. Crips. Bloods. It's all the same. I like to think that I concern myself with the relevant issues of today. This particular issue is alarming me. My question? When did Capitol Hill and the rest of D.C. become a gangland? I'm waiting to see the new republican hand signs or to see all of the democrats wearing the same cheap brown suit. I could've sworn that our voting system was to put an individual in office. A person with ideals and crap like that that makes you want HIM/HER representing your state/county/country/class with the same individual ideas that made you vote for them in the first place. Do ya think that Abraham Lincoln said "I'd like to free the slaves. . .if the rest of my party doesn't mind." Maybe George Washington could be quoted as saying "We must become independant from England because it's what the democrats would want!" Basically I'm asking why we can't get rid of these snivelling little spineless "Me Too'ers" and get some representatives with backbone. I think I can speak for most folks when I say that what this country really wants is free HBO but just after that we would like to have some individuals leading our country that don't have red dew rags on their heads or spray paint "Republicans Rule" on passing train cars.


Perrenially Aggitated

Repeat after me: 10%.

This is how many people determine who bosses us all around. Statistically, 10% of the population votes. What's this mean? Well ... if a president only needs 51% of the vote to get into office, that means he's only got to impress 5.1% of us.

I'll bet I could get 1 out of 20 people to vote for me. I think I'll be president. I'm just about old enough (Gah! Gah! Gah!). I'll be president and I'll Make Everything All Right.

First let's discuss the Death Penalty. This country should be killing a lot more people than it is. Ooo ... I even just thought of a slogan.


Not entirely constitutional, but neither is the fact that you can't walk your rooster down a main street on a Sunday in Massachusettes. Besides, that's what amendments are all about. We'll just scribble the 'Life' part right out of 'Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.' In fact, why don't we lose the 'Pursuit of Happiness ' part too? It's just 18th Century legal boilerplate anyway. Zingo, gone.

Let's see ... who should we kill first? How about Linda Tripp? If Johnson had been president, she would have met with an 'unfortunate accident' a year ago. Except that the New Government won't have to be nearly as subtle.

In today's top story President Steele bludgeoned Linda Tripp to death with a bust of Lincoln in her Virginia home. When questioned about the incident he replied 'Hey, I was just pursuing happiness.'

All right ... who next? Oh ... oh ... whoever decided that the Simpsons should sing needs to go. I dug Homer in the barbershop quartet and Monty Burns singing 'See my vest, see my vest, made from pure gorilla chest' was classic. But they just hadda take it that ONE step too far didn't they?

Prince. He shouldn't be killed for asking that he allow his name to be changed to a meaningless symbol -- although that definitely deserves a sound wounding. Of course in my country, he would have been killed before 'Under a Cherry Moon ' ever hit the box office, so it would have been a moot point.

Whoever keeps deciding that we need YET ANOTHER version of Forever Young' playing on the radio needs to die, die, die. Let it go already! The Cold War is over! The Berlin Wall has fallen! The USSR has fallen, and pieces of it are being sold as souveniers by Sharper Image! We are not -- repeat ARE NOT -- going to all die in a senseless nuclear volley! Put that stinkin' song in the ground and throw some dirt on it, already!

Hmm ... I won't stoop to saying that most of my exs should die. Deportation would be just fine, thank you.

In my country child molesters would be killed ... eventually. Who said punishment had to be humane? Isn't the point of punishment that the punishee not like it? It's not their fault they're the way they are ... but do we care? "Gosh, you must have had a rough childhod to make you turn out this way. Are these straps too tight? TOO BAD! GIVE MY REGARDS TO HENDRIX, PUNK!"

In my country, those sealed Kennedy files would be opened NOW, while there's still time to punish some bad guys. And Area 51 wouldn't just be opened to the public -- we'd turn that sucker into a theme park. Sharper Image could devote four pages to Roswell Souveniers.

In my country, if you spill hot coffee on your lap and no one else is there, you're going to have accept the possibility that just MAYBE it was your own fault.

And finally in my country ... FREE HBO!

Steele in aught-four! Steele in aught-four!