The Truth about War 2/8/03

(Editor's Note--be sure to read The Truth about War II before you get all upset about what you read here.)

I've written the words, 'I know it's been a while since my last Truth' a bunch of times--but this is the longest I've been away. There are a bunch of reasons I've been away for so long--more than I would care to drone on about, and more than you'd care to read, I'm sure. Suffice to say that despite all my reasons for not writing Truths, I had a powerful reason for writing this one.

It seems entirely likely that we may be going to war, don't ya know.

I should give some background. You see, at this point, it hasn't started yet. I need to say that because the great majority of the people who are going to read this are going to read it in the future, and unless I give some point of reference to where we are right now, the meaning of what I have to say will lose itself in the mystery of when I said it. Had the war started when he said that? Did he have any idea how terrible it was going to be? how many lives would be lost?

Or maybe, Did we have any inkling at the time how important it was that we did what we did?

To supply you, Future Reader, with a point of historical reference, Colin Powell has just advised the pansies at the UN that we have very strong evidence that Sadam is manufacturing biological weapons.

I know. It's spelled Saddam. I'll come back to why I spell his name 'Sadam' in a moment. And believe me, you'll like it.

By-and-large, the UN doesn't seem to be going for it. The UK is behind us (Tony Blair Rocks!) but the rest of them don't much wanna do it. I think Germany's afraid that if it went to war, they wouldn't want to stop until they were 'ze Rulers of ze World!'

Don't get me wrong--I'm very keen on the Germans. In fact, I'm very keen on every country that I'm about to slap around for not standing behind us on the war-thing--it's just that they're not standing behind us on the war-thing, so I have to abuse them a little bit. Sorry guys, you sortta have this coming.

I think we all know why the Chinese don't want to get involved. They're hoping we all bomb ourselves back to the Stone Age so that they can step up and take over the world with their high-tech sharpened sticks. It would be a huge promotion for them, and what country wouldn't take the chance to leave behind the title of 'Third-World Xenophobic Country with The Most Real Estate?'

I like the Chinese people. If I didn't, I wouldn't at all mind that the Chinese Government treats them so badly.

And then there's the Russians. I have no idea why they're not into going to war. You'd think they'd fancy themselves pretty good at it, after waging Cold War against us for all those decades. Think about it--they had about one-tenth our budget, and they had the Big, Bad, USA shaking in its boots. Well done, I say.

And then there's the French. Ooo ... trashing the French ... if there's a greater pleasure in the world, I haven't found it. Where to fucking begin?

I recently read an article about the French, and why they hate us. (I learned in that article that Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons referred to the French as 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys.' I love that line, and you have no idea how much I wanted to use it in this article and take full credit for it.) The article should have been called, 'The French: Why They Hate Us, And Why We Don't Give A Flying Fuck.' I mean, thanks for the Statue of Liberty and for helping us against the English two hundred years ago and all that ... but let's get real. They're French. They're ... well ... they're cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

The article went on to say that the French don't like us because they used to be an extremely important world power and we somehow took that away from them. Or something. I don't think that's it, to be honest. Let's think about it--know anyone who's been to Paris? Lemme rephrase that ... do you like any of the people you know who've been to Paris? Aren't the people who go to Paris usually the sort of people who are too important to use turn signals? You know the type. I live in Voorhees, NJ--I know a lot of the type. Uninteresting spoiled-rich scumbags with their trophy wives who come home early from their European trips because the Europeans have no idea who they are or how important they are. These are the people who are showing the French what Americans are like. Wee. Go, America. Not exactly putting our best foot forward, are we?

Heh. I thought I was going to beat up the French for a bit, and instead I beat up the Americans. Oh well ... any country that goes to civil war over the right to own slaves has a bit of slapping around coming to them.

Which isn't to say that I'm not big on America. I'm huge on America. 9/11 made me huge on America. I used to be just big. Those days are over--and I think that's true of a lot of us. I mist-up every time I see old footage of the Twin Towers.

You know the reason why we went to war during WW II, right? It didn't have to do with concentration camps. We didn't even know that was going on. It had to do with alliances and treaties. We might have stayed out of it entirely if Japan hadn't attacked us and wakened the Sleeping Giant. (By the way, I'm very big on the Japanese. They have a bit too many 'rules' to follow, and I'm absolutely positive that the Japanese will never be big on me because I can barely handle the rules that I have in this country, but I'm big on the Japanese.)

In the back of my mind--in a part that logic doesn't quite reach--I like to think that America joined the war against the Germans because we knew what was involved with their Final Solution. We stepped in because they decided to wipe out a race of people, and America won't stand for that. I don't like to think it was a mere matter of alliances and treaties. I like to think that we stood up for what was right, because that's what America should be about. That's what my America is about, and I think that's what your America is about, too. And maybe I've bought into a bunch of hype, generously served up to us by Those Who Spend Our Tax Dollars, but what that particular group fails to understand is that my faith in this country will outlive them.

In fact, we didn't go to war over Human Rights Violations. If we had, we probably would have gone to war with South Africa when they were practicing Apartheid. Fortunately, I'm not in charge--or we might have. And I would have been wrong, because eventually they did away with that on their own. And there are a dozen other countries that we'd have to go to war with, while we were at it. If Vietnam taught us anything, it's that $ doesn't always equal victory.

I read a piece in the news a few months ago. It said that Sadam's son was torturing Olympic Hopefuls who didn't perform as well as he thought they should. The Olympic Committee lacked the funds to truly investigate the charges, but they made them public all the same. These charges were buried fairly deep in the news, but they were there, Gentle Reader.

Now, if torture is how they treat Olympic Hopefuls, how do you think they treat their citizens? I'll bet you dollars to blow-jobs that they don't treat them very well. I heard a story that happened during Desert Storm of an Iraqi tank that pulled up to an American Hummer that was stuck in the sand ... the tank pulled the Hummer out of the sand, and the tank crew surrendered to the Americans. Are these the actions of a people who are treated well?

No, they are not. These are the actions of a people who are hoping that we'll step in and save them from an insane dictator.

Have I mentioned that I'm big on the Iraqi people?

Three more points, and I'm all finished. We've worked it down to three.

The first is that we should have entered World War II because Jews were being systematically exterminated--and we should enter this war for similar reasons. People are suffering. We are suffering. We should step in and intervene before Sadam levels the playing field with biological weapons. We should imprison Sadam, squeeze his nuts in a vice until they burst, regrow them with our fantastic medical technology, and do it again. And again.

And again.

The second point ... well, that would be a point of yours that I would have to address. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm so positive on everyone. The French, the Germans, the Russians, the Chinese--hell, even the Japanese. Why am I so big on these countries? The answer is likely obvious--because former citizens of these various countries compose the country we happen to live in, and I happen to be huge on the country we live in.

The third point concerns my use of 'Sadam.' Do you remember how George Bush--the first one, the one who earned the title of Vice President and then President by working for a fucking living--used to pronouce Saddam's name? His pronunciation lent itself to the spelling 'Sadam.' I thought at the time that he was an idiot for mispronouncing that. I've learned since that that pronunciation was intentional. He wasn't an idiot. He used to head the CIA, after all. He pronounced it that way as an insult. If memory serves (not that memory serves very often) 'sadam' is synonomous with 'peasant.' He was secretly insulting that little rodent, without even letting any of us in on the joke.

To which I say, 'Yes ... well done.'

After which I rapidly reply, 'How could you not let us in on the joke, you bastard? I mean, that's funny.'

'Peasant!' Hah! Take that, you psychotic rat-fuck!

Cover your ass, Sadam. We're coming for you. Oh yes, we are. And we're gonna ass-fuck you but good, when we get there. South Park hasn't begun to mistreat you. I've already spoken to Current President Bush. He's agreed to turn you over to me for $27 worth of ribbons, beads, and shiny objects. Yes, it's a shame that we have a stupid president--it's a shame for you.

God Bless America.

(Continued in The Truth about War II.)